Apple of My Pie

I don’t think I’ve ever been thought of as ugly, but I’m no model. There were even days when I was called nice looking – a few weeks or so back in 1981. Small window for sure, but young and thin and I thought ohhh yeah, I’m hot… Those few good weeks are long gone.

Still, I’m like some of my friends. Some mornings I look in the mirror and think hey, not so bad for a guy in his early fifties! Ohhh yeah, I’m hot…

Other mornings I look in the mirror and think hey, look what the cat coughed up.

That particular Saturday morning was a cat cougher. I was up early to run errands, hadn’t slept well, and I’d eaten Chinese food the night before. My favorite, #17 with extra broccoli, tends to make my face resemble a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloon.

My puffy eyes and I set off to do errands and I resigned myself to the fact that I was a bloated sack of hideousness. But, I’d just turned 50 after all, so I guessed it was to be expected. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten Chinese food the night before and I felt guilty and disgusted for having done that to myself.

I sought solace in an apple pie from the fast food store on the corner.

Heading onto the highway to start my errands, I quickly stuck the apple pie in my mouth and held it there. I drove with one hand and used the other hand to search for change for the toll.

When I approached the toll booth I gnawed off a hunk of pie off as I yanked it from my mouth. I stopped at the toll booth feeling particularly swollen and handed the attendant the change. I noticed she was a young woman, very attractive, but with a stern look on her face.

Until she reached to take my change.

She smiled when I stopped, smiled more as she looked me in face, and then smiled even wider. I smiled back, handed her the change, and drove off.

Smugly, I started to think hey, not so bad for a guy in his early fifties. Ohhh yeah, I’m hot.

Maybe my eyes weren’t so puffy and maybe I had gotten enough sleep. To mentally high-five myself for having made the young lady smile, I pulled down the rear view mirror to check myself out. I had to see what had made her smile.

I saw it.

A slab of pie crust stuck to my lip and chin, held in place with apple filling that had already dripped several times onto my neck.

Ohhh yeah, I’m hot.

Stuart M. Perkins

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86 Comments

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86 responses to “Apple of My Pie

  1. Hahahaha ! I’ve sooo been there … though I am yet to experience cat cougher days – in a few weeks from now .. maybe.. 2030 ?? But it’s always good to make someone smile 😀

  2. A really great read. Thank you

  3. Oh no! I`ve definitely been there. In fact, my husband’s chief duty is to check my face for food remains after every meal and when we leave the house. Also, can totally relate to trying to feel yourself feel better about overeating with more food!

  4. Leo

    Thanks for visiting my page. I only finished it after you commented as one of the photo`s didn`t upload as I sent it through word.

  5. Hugges….and giggles to you…..this is the story of my life too!I

  6. I shall shamelessly borrow ‘cat cougher’…it’s still making me laugh.

  7. Reminds me of that time the convertible full of 20 something lovelies all look over to me in the next lane at the stop light, all smiling, just as one of them asks me “Sir, do you know where the (whatever it was) is?” lol

  8. Hi Stuart,thanks for the congrats at my blog nomination! I’m enjoying reading your blog posts- and it’s all good:)

  9. kissysmom

    Ate you sure there wasn’t still some of that “extra broccoli” stuck in your teeth? I have absolutely guffawed (is that a word) over this!

  10. Now that was funny, made me laugh out loud “Yeah, you’re hot”…Lol Thanks for sharing.

    Be Blessed!

    LaTrice

  11. The ending of this story made me smile. Was it “hot” apple pie by any chance? And I always appreciate it when men are willing to share their vulnerable moments.

  12. I tell my lovely wife (of 37 years) that I never really noticed when girls stopped looking back. But eventually I did, notice, not admit it to her. I denied it for a while but honesty won out. I guess you get used to it. I tell myself that when another lovely things head doesn’t turn. But you don’t.

  13. There are times when I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who the stranger is looking back at me. Wonderful job. 🙂

  14. This is a terrific piece of prose. I had a similar incident, although mine involved chicken poop on my leg.

  15. Be grateful that it wasn’t me. I’d have laughed/giggled/roared depending on the size of the apple pie slab. And pointed it out. Thanks for cheering us up with this piece, and for visiting my blog!

  16. I know the feeling. Life gets better with age though. Nice one.

  17. I do so enjoy your self depreciating sense of humour…and your novel take on the phrase, ‘what the cat…’:-) Photos to accompany next time perhaps? H xxx

  18. Thank you for making my night with this one. 😀

  19. Very funny! I’ve heard “what the cat dragged in,” but not “what the cat coughed up.” Nice.

  20. This gave me a good laugh. I enjoyed it very much. In my opinion, writing to make people laugh is a much more difficult craft than writing to make people cry. I hope you will keep writing!

  21. glad u liked my poem 😀 this is soo funnyy 😄

  22. I followed someone’s comment to this story. It sounded like my kinda story.. What a RIOT!!

    I am torn between feeling like the ugly green monster is rising (yes, I’m JEALOUS of your story!)…and pure and giddy delight!

  23. I also smiled. Oh yeah u r hot.:)

  24. Lmao! I’m sure you don’t look anything like something the cat coughed up. Don’t be so hard on yourself!

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